You know the feeling of vulnerability and loneliness? Where sometimes you feel like a child trapped in a cold dark cell. Where you could feel sadness seep through your soul and your forearms feel a chilly sensation. The feeling when no one wants to be your friend, the feeling when you go to bed at night asking yourself questions but never to find answers and telling yourself its alright?
The kind where the immediate remedy was to go home to the golden brown Shih Tzu wagging its tail with the most innocent eyes telling you its alright.
I can’t remember when my dad left me. Nevertheless, I remember the very night. My ice-freezing air-conditioned room atmospherised by the dim lights from my ceiling lamps. I sat on a blue adjustable computer chair which i still posses today, placed in my mother’s bedroom.
My dad came into the room looking expressionless but too subtle for me to notice. He sat on my bed which was wrapped with light blue mickey-mouse bedsheets. Then he started tearing. He was wearing large-framed spectacles back then. I was puzzled.
(Before that fateful day, i might have sense that Dad and Mom’s relationship were in jeopardy. But because i was frequent locked out of the master bedroom at night, i just went to bed like a 12 year old and believed that things will just sort themselves out.)
Dad with tears rolling down his eyes, ” Son, someday you’ll understand. But i am not going to be around you in this house anymore.”
I was emotionless. I couldn’t feel a thing. I didn’t understand. Did a divorce meant that you’re not coming back anymore? Did it meant that I’ll have a stepmother and step siblings? A few questions ran amok in my head. Nevertheless, i slept as soundly as all the previous nights before, never really understanding what Dad few nimble words meant.
As days,weeks and years go by. Many people have asked about my parents divorce and particularly how i felt about it. I would answer nonchalantly, ” Aiyahhh.. Nothing one lah. My dad say i will understand someday. Understand WHAT?! ” To sum up, i always tell people i felt nothing. Mom went on a streak of destruction after the divorce leaving me the loneliest child on earth. I was 14.
I slowly started growing teenage anger. I heaped misery on Mom’s misery as she is the only one in the family to take my abuse. I blamed her for blaming Dad’s affair for the breaking of our family. I shouted and screamed and said she could have done something. I told her there’s no such thing as Dad would run away with some bitch if you two were to solve your own problems out. Mom was desperate. I think i almost drove her suicidal.
If you don’t already know why my secondary school friends meant so much to me.
I was 14. I have punk rock, a skateboard and a whole bunch of rowdy boys in school to fulfill my need for acceptance and prominence. School was the only place i wanna be in and i never want to go home.
Today im 20 years old going on 21. I like to think of what-if my dad was still in my family. Would i have more financial stability? Would i be more guided? Would i have someone i can tell my troubles to? Would we be a happy family? I liked to think that i didn’t care if dad left.
When you sat at my bed today and said those things, it brought me memories of the night that i won’t forget. I felt like exploding. I feel like i owe my soul and heart too much sadness. I felt like turning back time to year 2001 and kneel and beg him not leave. Today, i felt as much sadness. I probably love my dad as much I do love you.
Mom,
It’s been hard on you. I know i never say this but I love you. I know I mean the world to you but I don’t know how.
Dad,
Today i understood.
Your Dearest Son/Friend,
Rodney Tan.
“There are no saints nor sailors, lovers nor fighters just you and me doing what we’re supposed to do.”
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